I just read this amazing article full of insight from +danah boyd about how teens view their passwords for their online accounts. As the mom of a 10 year old girl, my husband and I have trained our daughter to give us all the passwords and account names to anything she has online (Club Penguin, etc.). Now I see we need to start 'training' her not to give the passwords out to anyone else. Parenting is hard….. 😉
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danah boyd | apophenia » How Parents Normalized Teen Password Sharing
My name is danah boyd and I'm a Senior Researcher at Microsoft Research, a Research Assistant Professor in Media, Culture, and Communication at New York University, a Visting Researcher at Harvard…
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um scary old person….
+danah boyd has always been right on the money as far as this type of thing goes . . . well worth reading anything she's written
Parenting is hard… Uhm… Truer words were NEVER spoken.
Parenting is next to impossible and you pull it off by the skin between your teeth… and hope you at least instilled something important enough to pass on to the next 10 generations.
+Meki Cox If I can just pass something on to the next generation (i.e., my kids), that will be good enough for me.
My daughter has been online since she was six. A decade later, she still asks me for permission to enter contests and join new sites.
Parenting seems to have more challenges than ever. Mine is only two and I am already dreading things like passwords and the internet in general. You have to be so very careful. Yeesh!
If you start while they're young and set up the rules then they're a lot easier to enforce when they get older.
In some ways I have been a very permissive parent. I allowed my son to be online at a very young age and showed him how to join vBB sites. I didn't send him to vBBs aimed at kids, but ones that were mostly filled with adults. I didn't do that by design, but he liked a certain author's books and so I set him up on that site and although the author wrote YA books, the people on it were adults, not kids. I don't think I have ever asked for or even thought to ask for a password.
I explained the good and bad of being online, we talked abut basic safety, privacy, viruses, etc. But then I let him do what he wanted with the expectation that he would behave responsibly. And he did and he has. He's 20 now. I'm not sure if it was because of what I did as parent or because he's just a really great guy naturally – but I'm proud of the adult he has become. Some mix?
All you can do is do the best you can and then trust your kid. Or…and cross your fingers, pray, cry, etc.
+Nancy Cavanaugh My daughter grew up on the computer because I was working online from the moment I was pregnant… She took to the computer – playing games for 10 year olds at 2 – and while she didn't understand all the words – she understood the "CONCEPTS" that most adults have to figure out or get explained. I've always marveled at the incredible capability of humans as they adapt naturally. But – I totally agree with – IF YOU SET THE RULES… early enough… Sometimes it doesn't work… other times it does…
Solution: Lastpass – with the master password in the piggy bank.
that is great. You have built confidence into daughter!! parenting in right direction !
You "trained" your daughter to hand over her passwords?? Not only does this seem like a hell of an invasion of privacy but the wording in there just makes you appear like some very creepy parents.
+Christoph H̦ller curious, do you have children? For the record, we never go into her accounts, but she constantly forgets her passwords (she's 10 after all). Yes, I'm a creepy parent. If creepy means making sure that I can access my daughter's Рwho is a minor Рaccounts should she come across something that is dangerous or threatening.
The possibility of a forgotten password should be no reason for sharing it. There's a "forgot password" button near every login. Seeing as you don't ever access the account in question I'm not sure how knowledge of the password will help you keep your kid from viewing unwanted content. Following that line of reason I'd assume the damage is already done at the time you would use the password to access your kid's account. Furthermore I would argue that most unwanted content is available freely without any password use on the internet. So the knowledge of a password could have no impact at all on the content your kid views. Please don't get me wrong, i dont have kids and wouldnt want tell you how to raise yours. I just don't think there are a lot of valid and honest reasons in this discussion and I'm trying to understand that.
My only counter point to +Christoph Höller is that as the parent of a minor, I am legally responsible for her and what she posts. Therefore I have access to her accounts.
And it's a good one, too. Still, if I were a minor set on posting incriminating stuff online, I'm sure I'd find a way. Like a second account my mom doesn't know about. It's definitely not a difficult concept to grasp for a "digital native". Maybe you should consider this in your online parenting. Again, I don't mean to offend or interfere, I just think there are more points to this discussion.
It's not my daughter I'm worried about posting inappropriate stuff – it's the people she will be communicating with online as she gets older.
Christoph – I disagree with your point of view. I monitored EVERYTHING my daughter did – from texts to online activity. Just like you would watch a child COOK on a stove… or Start a campfire closely – there are INHERENT dangers involved with specific activities.
Until you are aware that they can SAFELY handle and navigate things – and have open communication with you – and you see the results – you monitor things CLOSELY. PERIOD… And if you don't – you're a terrible parent – expecting an immature child to just "automatically" know and understand how to deal with every emergency… YOU HAVE TO educate, prepare, observe and then allow them to do it themselves once you're sure they can handle it…
10 years old – online – ANYWHERE – is not something they can handle yet… 13 – maybe… a little – but you should still monitor activity – and pay attention to signs… 15 – they know – but you should pay attention to signs… 16 and above – they pretty much know enough – and can handle things – (remember – each child is more or less immature or responsible and this variance is only in general terms)
My daughter was given privacy to a certain degree – once I was fully cognizant that she understood what was a possible problem – and I was confident that she could handle situations and would communicate other things with me – I gave her more privacy.
Privacy – and the responsibility and trust that come with it – are earned things – they are not inalienable rights of children – until they are legal adults.
Sorry – that would be akin to saying Dump your 8 year old Kid off in the forest with a chainsaw and a flame torch – and tell them to go survive – without having taught them anything….
And that would make you… a bad parent.
As a parent – you are completely responsible for everything your child does… You are responsible for trying to protect them… You are responsible for trying to teach them to prepare for their own adulthood out in the world. But most of all – you are their Parent – not their friend…. Not the easy going – everything is cool – go ahead and hang out with pedophiles online I trust you to make the right choices when they offer you Candy and Disneyland…
You're attitude that it's an invasion – is absolutely insane – and is pretty over the top… When you have children – come back to this conversation.
I will – however —- admit this: When I was 14 – 21 – I thought that my perspective was right – and that I should have more freedoms and be able to do whatever I wanted.
I have since turned 45 — 24 years have passed. In those 24 years – I have learned that the world is not always beautiful – that people use people… kill people… destroy nice things… hurt others… and prey on the innocent. I know now… that a lot of those rules were put into place… to PROTECT me…. and I regret every rebellious attitude I had… And I'm lucky to have survived adolescence… Just like every human being that went through those teenage years… I thought I knew everything.
NOW — I just realize how much I don't know… But one thing I do know… The same rules that went for me as a kid – apply to my kid… and as a parent. My role is to protect as best I can…
And that means – reading, watching, observing, paying attention to certain signs… And trusting to a certain degree.
Each situation is different… as is every parent/child relationship… With that in mind… I think that your perspective is one of chaos… and possible dangerous ramifications to the safety and welfare of a child – that has no way of learning the responsibilities, communication and dangers – without having you guide them and help them… Monitoring content they see or communicate – is only ONE way to ensure that you're guiding them properly.
Until they are old enough to do it on their own – they have no rights of privacy.
Well +Meki Cox – I guess I'm just a "bad parent" of a (now) truly spectacular 20 year old. In most every situation I've talked with him, demonstrated and shown by example, and then placed my trust in him and let him at it.. My expectation was always that he would do well and if he needed help he'd ask for it. That's what he did. He had a cell phone at age 7 and was online with his own accounts at age 8. I didn't monitor him or look through his things.
(Speaking generally) He knew what my very clear expectations were and if he deliberately disobeyed them, it wouldn't be pretty. But … if he got into a jam, I was right there to help. I've always been his parent, but now we are tansitioning nicely into friends.
You did (and do) raise your kids differently. I don't think that makes you a worse or better parent than I – it makes your approach to parenting different.
"In most every situation I've talked with him, demonstrated and shown by example, and then placed my trust in him and let him at it" +Cara Schulz That's EXACTLY the point – you demonstrate – show by example – observe… YOU WERE THERE – you TAUGHT…
Some parents do things differently – but it amounts to the same thing – you pay attention… YOU – provide the information – YOU set the boundaries… YOU taught him by showing him the proper way – and then set back and made sure he was ok – and were there to help…
Agreed – some parents do monitor more deeply – and that is neither better or worse — and in no way was I calling people who do NOT monitor every single transaction – as bad… (including you) – as I said Monitoring closely – is only ONE way to ensure you are guiding them appropriately.
Akin to smelling marijuana emanating from a teenage son's room – in YOUR house… You're not going to respect his privacy – you're going to walk in and do something about the situation (in most cases)… Akin to hearing your son scream for help in his room – you're not going to respect his privacy – you're going to barge in… it's all dependent upon situation… But – overall – you teach, train and observe their reactions – if you're confident that they can continue – then you've done your job – your confidence and trust are in place – they've been "earned" – by your own training.
"DUDE – you got weed and didn't SHARE IT WITH YOUR MOTHER?"
Ok – that's probably not what you meant. And I have to laugh at the thought of my son smoking weed. Or swearing. Is he really my kid?
(No, I don't smoke pot, either)
ROFLMAO – yeah – I know what you mean.. Sheesh – and when they grow up – it's like do you treat them like the kid that you had – or are they new people??????
Yeah – there is NEVER anything easy about parenting from start to finish… LOLs… But there are some very beautiful things about parenting that can never be taken away from us.
+Meki Cox , monitoring your child's activity online is not what's bothering me here. It's the password sharing and the way it's promoted with reasons that I just don't think are true. Being a responsible parent you wouldn't let your kid use the stove by herself. So why would it be any different on the internet? A password is NOT akin to a closed door. Standing in front of a close door you may be able to hear someone scream and smell pot but this is in no way comparable to a password. Knowing it won't protect your child in no way.